While your partner is away

Your partner has chosen to be part of the Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA) and to contribute to our country's security mandate. To do so, your partner needs the training that will allow him/her to be fully knowledgeable and competent. You probably feel proud of and understand the importance of his/her role.

The CBSA is concerned about your well-being. The following module was developed to assist you in coping with the absence of your partner and to develop personal strategies to help you cope.

Knowing that your partner will be leaving soon for a few/several weeks can be difficult for you and your family. You may worry about this situation and struggle with a variety of emotions. It is important to know that these worries are very common. In this context, you need to find some strategies to prepare and help you deal with the absence of your partner. The objective is to introduce strategies that will allow you to determine your personal path to dealing with the change:

• Developing two essential abilities: resiliency and independence
• Preparing for the departure, for your partner's absence and for your partner's return home.

Getting the news

When you learn that your partner will be away, it is possible that you will go through certain emotions, such as being sad, optimistic, upset, happy, worried, scared, indifferent, stressed or even relieved. All these emotions are normal. Why? Because every person is different and every relationship is different.

• One person could experience anger because he thinks the timing of the absence is wrong or because he knows that the other person will be missed.
• Another person could experience happiness and perceive it as a great opportunity to see his/her friends or family members and to participate in activities that he would not have the chance to participate in otherwise.
• If your relationship is experiencing difficulties, perhaps you feel that the absence is a blessing and you are relieved to spend some time apart.

There is no correct answer! You are a unique individual living in a unique relationship. You may need to take time to reflect upon what it is that deeply worries you.

Here are some examples of feelings you may anticipate having:

• I am worried that I won't be able to communicate regularly with my partner.
• I am worried about the children's reaction to his/her departure.
• I am going to have more obligations and responsibilities.
• I will feel lonely.
• I am not going to feel safe by myself.
• My main source of support will soon be gone.
• I am worried my partner will not be faithful while he/she is away on training.

It is important to acknowledge your feelings and communicate these concerns as they can have an impact on your relationship and how you will deal with your partner's absence. In addition to managing your emotions well, to communicating effectively and to finding personal strategies, it is important to develop the helpful attitudes for dealing with change.

Helpful attitudes – Dealing with change

Resilience – Independence

Resilience is about being able to overcome obstacles and maintaining positive thoughts despite emotions and situations that can arise during the absence of your partner.

The Public Health Agency of Canada defines individual resilience as:

Resilience allows us to maintain healthy relationships, to be functional at work and to keep a positive perspective on things. Resilience cannot be developed overnight. But remember that everyday, we can choose our attitude towards life, no matter what happens. Do you think you are a resilient person?

Independence

Independence is about being able to live and to enjoy a fulfilling life despite the absence of our partner.

It is completely normal to feel that the house is empty when your partner is away. You are used to a routine with your partner. You like to spend time with him/her. However it should not prevent you from enjoying life. Spending time alone can be very beneficial. Again, independence cannot be developed overnight. You can become more and more comfortable being alone with time. Think about all the things that you can do by yourself or with someone other than your partner. Here are a few examples:

• Reading a book
• Attending a yoga class
• Going to the gym
• Going for a coffee/drink with a friend
• Volunteering
• Taking long walks (with your children and/or your dog)
• Learning a new ability such as painting, playing guitar, cooking, carving, etc.
• Trying a new restaurant
• Doing some gardening
• Participating in sports
• Anything else that makes you feel good

Strategies that can help you in his/her absence

Knowing your partner well can help you to find helpful strategies to deal with his/her absence, to improve communication with him/her and to give each other the support that you both need.

As a suggestion, you may start to reflect on the following questions before your partner leaves for his/her training. It will give you an idea of what you may need to know!

Your partner:

• How does your partner react when change occurs in his/her life?
• How does your partner react when he/she is stressed?
• What pleases your partner the most?
• What is your partner's biggest stressor?
• What is your partner's preferred means of communication?
• How does your partner like to be supported?

You:

• How do you react when a change occurs in your life?
• How do you react when you are stressed?
• What pleases you the most?
• What is your biggest stressor?
• What is your preferred means of communication?
• How do you like to be supported?